She opened her eyes again, to continue looking into the darkness of her room. The blankets were pushing her down, deeper into the soft mattress, that somehow, somewhere stopped being soft and tried to push her back up. She tried to move, push the blankets off her, but found that somehow, she couldn´t. It wasn´t the blankets that were pushing her down, there was something on top of her. Suddenly fear flashed through her, but she found that she was too tired to be scared. She could just lay there, gazing into the darkness, full of unknown things.
She started to think, remembering old and forgotten memories. She saw the house she grew up in. the old cat she used to have and how it would run away from her every time she came close. Sunday mornings with her parents, mostly spend in the park. The place where she used to play hide and seek with her old friends, with the hole into the tree where no-one would find her.
She remembered the friends she used to have in elementary school, the trouble they used to get in. Exchanging salt for sugar on April fools and hiding the teacher’s stuff. The last day, where they all said goodbye with tears in their eyes and promised to be friends forever and ever.
She saw herself entering Highschool and almost felt the nerves she had back then. How the kids in the classroom looked so much older and wiser than she was, with the sunlight beaming of them. The room she was currently in lit up for a split second or did it just seemed like that because she felt happy for a moment?
Her high school classmates came back to her mind and how hard she tried to fit in, but how it never worked. How she tried to wear the right clothes and take over their habits. Her first friend at this school wasn’t part of the cool gang, but it was a friend so she enjoyed the time they spend together, which was a lot until it suddenly ended. The last year at high school seemed darker in her memory like the sun wasn’t shining as bright that year. Maybe there was less sun in those days? She didn’t know, she couldn’t tell.
Her graduation came, and she saw herself in her dress on stage and felt the same uncomfortable feeling she had back then. How out of place she felt between all those people. Her first attempt of college started, and then her second. The long days, the stress and the people. She remembered that day, how terrible tired she was when she came home.
And suddenly, she remembered. She remembered going up the stairs, to the bathroom and taking the bottle of pills. At that moment she knew, it wasn’t the blankets, there was nothing on top of her. There was no real ‘her’ anymore, it was just an almost empty shell lying in the bed. And while she realized that, she felt her soul and spirit rising, leaving her old body behind.
She could see through the darkness now, it wasn’t dark anymore. There was a soft, warm light everywhere she looked. She saw the world in a way she never did before like she never thought that was possible.
As her spirit joined the others in their endless circle around the universe, she was finally free to go where she had always wanted to go.